This Grudge

Resentment: noun
A feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.
[Source:
Merriam Webster Online]


The mind never ceases to amaze… Some present situations will stir up memories and emotions from a long time ago. Ones we thought we’d left behind, ones we suffered through intensely and hoped never to feel again.

The truth is, we’re not immune to our past, and we must learn to deal with it when it leaps forward to haunt us, out of place as it may seem. People speak of shedding their past, and I truly agree. We need only take with us into our future that which is useful, that which represents the core of our personality; the rest only clutters up space that should be free for new lessons and experiences, only to be shed again to make room for more when the time comes… like a constant recycling of the self.

But how do you let go of grudges that you’ve carried for years, and which have no simple resolution because the person who poisoned you with them is no longer in your life? Tracking them down may be a simple or impossible task, but what good would it really bring?

Perhaps the best solution is to take comfort in one’s own actions, assure yourself that you weren’t at fault, and that no matter what those people think, their behaviour was wrong and cannot be corrected. Ego will have to take comfort in the certainty that it shares its bed with a clean conscience, and resolve to continue being a good person no matter who steps in one’s path. Take time for self-reflection and develop awareness so as to avoid becoming involved with such treacherous individuals.

Yes, there may have been good times, but somehow the negativity outweighs them all… so best to stop wasting energy on something so draining and detrimental.

Allow yourself the disappointment of losing one battle as long as you become wiser for it, but don’t allow it to wear away at your strength to soldier on through life and adjust the balance, or stop you from fulfilling your Personal Legend.

And finally, accept that, even though nobody likes to be injured or scarred, perhaps it is best to let sleeping scorpions lie…

This Grudge

Fourteen years
Thirty minutes
Fifteen seconds I’ve
Held this grudge

Eleven songs
Four full journals
Thoughts of punishment
I’ve expended

Not in contact
Not a letter
Such communication
Telepathic
You’ve been vilified
Used as fodder
You deserve a piece
Of every record

But who’s it hurting now?
Who’s the one that’s stuck?
Who’s it torturing now
With an antique knot in her stomach?

I want to be big and let go
Of this grudge that’s grown old
All this time I’ve not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

Like an abandoned house
Dusty covere
Furniture
Still intact
If I visit it now
Will I simply re-live it
Somehow gratuitous

But who’s still aching now?
Who’s tired of her own voice?
Who is it weighing down
With no gift from time of said healing

I want to be big and let go
Of this grudge that’s grown old
All this time I’ve not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

Maybe as I cut the cord
Veils will lift from my eyes
Maybe as I lay this to rest
Dead weight off my shoulders will rise

Here I sit
Much determined
Ever ill-equipped
To draw this curtain
How this has entertained
Validated
And has served me well
Ever the victim

But who’s done whining now?
Who’s ready to put down
This load I’ve carried longer than I had cared to remember

I want to be big and let go
Of this grudge that’s grown old
For the life of me I’ve not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us.

Written by Alanis Morissette